Surviving

Before I write this post, I cried my eyes out.

Actually, I do feel better. Not entirely but it was so much better than before. I felt like I wanted to throw up but I couldn't, something in the center of my chest tasted like a bitter pill, I didn't how I feel, I felt so lost.

I am not asking to be born as an overthinking person but here I am. I think a lot about something I shouldn't think, I am not the only one in this world, I know. 

But I am the only one in my own life so that's the problem.

Because I have so much free time, I drew today. Finished the draft I sketched the night before. At first, I didn't take that sketch seriously because you know, it was just a thing I did before I went to bed but the more I saw it the more I feel and questioning my life:

"What if I am not good at something I think I am good at?"

If it says so, I have nothing left.

I finished the drawing though. But, I felt so bad.

"I am lacking everything. I don't have enough creativity, I am not good enough to survive."

But, even I've been feeling like that every single day, part of me also thinking about the good side. It's weird, It's really really weird.

"It is going to be okay. You just need to practice harder."

"Push yourself to your limit,"

"Please, I am begging you. Don't give up on yourself."

"You will live happy in the end."

"Please, move yourself and be a better person."

So then I realized something: there are always those days when we feel down and so close to giving up.

like today.

I don't want to give up like what I felt and almost did in the past. I don't want to be that person anymore. So even when I cried, when the tears fell down, I said to myself so many times that it is okay to not feel okay. 

It is okay to cry and feel so small for a moment.

I have so many things in my mind right now. I have so many things I want to learn and so many things I want to achieve. I want to be good at speaking English, I want to be good at Korean, I want to start learning Spanish, I want to write beautiful stories, I want to draw well, I want to earn so much money, I want to finish my magister fast, I want to make my parents proud of me, I want to travel to Europe, I want to buy a house so my cat could run freely, I want to go to many BTS's concerts, I want to be independent, 

I want to be happy on my own.

I wrote everything that makes me relieved on the paper, I tried to move my hand.

"Move, move your hand, write it down, please write it down so you can make yourself better. You need to be better. Just write it. Don't think about the mistake, just write it down."

It works.

Now I feel better, I can think a little bit clearer. Even my eyes are swollen.

My mother always says that we have to trust Allah on everything. Don't ever suudzon with Allah's plan. And I do believe in Allah and my mother. 

Everything is not going to be okay; it is going to be hard, nothing good comes without sacrifice but in the end, everything is going to be okay.

I have Allah, my family, I have true friends, I have my cat, I have seven stars as my reasons to smile every single day.

I am going to be okay. Every person has their own time and path. I will be a very wonderful and great woman. This is a promise from me to me. 

Now, I am going to take a bath and sleep.

Until then, wonderful soul.

Good night.

Cliches

if only i could stay with you,

i would.

Don't you think it's weird for someone to be in love and not in love at the same time? If you say so, do tell me about the word and explain it to me? I am in the middle of nowhere, but I know I'm getting somewhere.

if only i could make you happy,

i promise you,

i would.

I always put my gaze on the empty air or corner, blurry vision. If I want to know about the answer, should I search for it by myself? Can I just stay here?

I don't want to get hurt anymore.

if only i could see you smile,

if only i could wipe away your tears,

if only i could see you laugh,

if only i could be those reasons.

For me, here and there, I am okay the way I am right now. To feel in love and not in love, to be alone everywhere and feel okay about it. 

Sometimes, I am scared. 

I love being in the darkness way too much. To be alone is fine. Is good. Is enough.

such a cliche, right?

but hey,

a simple thing is hard to get.

Sometimes I'm asking myself,

"Should I give my heart to many people? It's wrong, isn't it? I can't love someone like that."

I just want to make you the happiest,

and that is enough.

In the end, I just want to be myself. To love someone the way I treasure my heart. And hoping, my someone would do the same. 

Someday the day will come.

But when is someday? 

I don't know.

I love you and not love you, my love.