should i go?

Have you ever feel so sad, it is very sad to the point you can't even move your limbs. it is very sad until your ribcage feels so tight, it is hard to breathe but I am breathing somehow.

And you just stare at the empty air and feel really really sad.

It makes my head spins, something inside me is breaking but I don't know which part.

And all I want is listening to sad songs.

Am I a weird person because I can feel sad but in a second I can laugh like nothing happens? I could forget the sadness for one or two seconds or even five minutes. Then it comes back when I rest my head on my pillow.

Human is a very interesting and horrible creature at the same time. I am a human and I am interesting. But, most parts are horrible. I swear I am a horrible person.

They say if you think something, you'll become that thing.

I don't want to be horrible. At least, for some people. But, I can't shake those thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I have been trying. I swear I am trying.

I think I make people around me not happy.

Because I am sad most of the time.

But, even I am sad, I still feel happy. There is always a glimpse of light and I know I will have my happy ending someday.

Weird weird weird weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeird.

Today too, I feel sad at the end of the day. When the night comes, between 5 pm or 6 pm, my heart feel so heavy.

Ah,

It is going to be alright. It is going to be alright.

have you been well?

This is a letter to seven people that I love the most without them even knowing. But there are so many kinds of love and this is one kind of it. Based on Namjoon's ending ment on October 26th, 2019, Love Yourself: Speak Yourself The Final Concert day one. I already posted this on twitter and weverse but maybe it is worth to post this on my personal blog too since they are part of my life, the happiest moments, the bittersweet never-ending season, my seven wonders.

I thought about this feeling when I was in a car last night. It was a cold ride because both, me and the driver were in mute. But it was okay, I love it that way. I love a long night drive. Sometimes I wonder maybe someday I want to pay a night drive just to go around. Without any direction, without any last stop.

So, how are you? Have you been well?

You hated that question so much, but you said now you are truly doing well, right Namjoon? It is nice to hear it. I don't know what is going on inside your head and heart every single day, but you need to know that you are a very wonderful person from how you see the world so beautifully. I adore you so very much.

How am I doing?

I have been struggling with so many questions, heartbreak, doubt, and purposes of life. I think everything too much it kills me very softly and slowly inside. I woke up tired and cried without any reason. Life is exhausting and yes, it is so hard just to keep living even only for a day. Sometimes in those dark times, I always wonder, what if I am gone? I feel so alone and unwanted.

But I am still here. Thank God I am still here. Surviving.

In those dark times, I couldn't think anything clearly and forgot that I deserve someone and something to stay. I deserve happiness.

Life is not always about good times. I am a toxic one for some people. Someone is not always on the same page as we are. Love ends. Love begins. Some days are tiring. Some days are full of laugh. We need to be grateful, right? Because God is good. 

Do you know one reason for zillion reasons why God is good?

Because there are seven wonderful men, they are living their best to share happiness here and there.

I know those dark times will always come back at me but,

(in the future, even with all ur sad time, all the words that hurt us, all the events that happen against our will, let's do well together.)

How am I doing, you ask?

I am doing very well, seven wonders.

I'll be okay. I promise you.