Happiness

Tomorrow is Gonna be Better

11:38 AM

it’s fascinating for me to see so many people in this world that are very different. 

actually, this is my random thoughts after i saw an instagram post from the people i knew and follow on instagram. i don’t know, i don’t want to call her a stranger because she is no stranger even i don’t know her personally. to call her stranger is so weird since i read all her caption she shared that seemed personal for her. a stranger is not the right word.

she lives in brisbane, australia and loves flowers, she sings and write a song. she has two or three  cats i think? one of them is one eyed cat and it is so cute. she has a boyfriend who lives with her i think. and she has a lovely house. she lives near nature, her boyfriend took her to the beach, someday they swam together near the waterfall and kissed, she plays slow music by the vinyl, she plays guitar, she works as a florist, she loves to wear ribbon on her head, and everything looks like a dream.

her life is very near with the life i want to live in, the live i envy about. 

but with all of the dreamy life, she shared her struggle about her mental health. how she struggled from so many emotions and chronic illness. 

yeah, life is not always dreamy and beautiful.

she told about how bad she could get hurt, how she could isolated herself from outside world and people, how she was in pain because of her illness. 

but in the end, she always told and remind herself that she is a warrior and brave. she has been trying so hard to understand the strange world one step at a time. 

ah, it came into my mind, 

“there are so many people with so many troubles in their life. they are surviving.”

and also it came to my mind,

“lucky for me i have faith from i was born. why should i give up for living? im not alone. you are too weak to give up. and you are not weak.”

yes. im writing this while im in the middle of sadness, doubt of myself, so many family’s issues i cant’t fix because im just too far away from home and losing motivation all of sudden. i feel like im a loser and a useless one. i cried a lot today. 

but a tiny bit of good side of me said to me,

“please move. move yourself from the bed. you can fix this.”

so i moved, took a long time for me just to take a towel and finally took a bath in the middle of the night (i remember i haven’t took a shower for more than 24 hours)

maybe im not fully recovered from all negative thoughts in my mind, my room still a mess and i have dishes i need to wash. 

but at least, i feel a little better. and im happy i can feel warmth of hope lingering and flickering small in my chest. 

and i think, to think about that we can survive and not giving up, even it’s only the smallest thing like wake up and get up from the bed while your heart heavy from everything, we need to be proud of ourselves. 

and now maybe, im proud of myself.

good night. 




Personal

About Love

2:12 AM

(i really thought, to love someone to this extent is impossible.)



i really want to talk about love, it's been a long time since the last time i share that feeling with someone else. and to be honest, maybe i forget some parts of those feelings. i don't know how to explain, because the way how i feel right now is kind of confusing.

confusing i mean, it is literally confusing. it is like, you feel all the love but at the same time, it's suffocating.

i have so much love to share, but i don't know how to. 

sometimes i feel sad. really really sad. my closest friends know it so well about the reason. is it weird? i don't know it's weird or not. all i know is, i don't want to belittle this feeling.

this is my own feeling, i want to treasure it.

because no one will respect it other than myself, yourself.

and the worst thing about "love" in my dictionary is: 

once i love someone, i don't know how to love less.

fucking hell.

"what should i do?" i've been asking myself that question so many times. 

to be honest, i don't do anything except accepting. and crying. mostly crying. there were always those days when everything got so overwhelmed and all i could do was lay on my bed. i can be so sad and in love at the same time and it made me exhausted. 

i have one heart and when i give it someone, it will always be him. it is not good, i think? because i'm letting myself to get hurt. willingly. 

envy in my veins to those people who could move on so fast. 

love in my 17th was like this:

"i want him to love me back, what if he doesn't love me back? where should i put my heart then?"

and love in my 27th is like this:

"i love him. i just want to make him the happiest ever. i want him to feel that he is loved. i want to give him unconditional love. i just want him to be happy. i want him to be happy."



ah really, i have so much love. please tell me how to love him less. 












Happiness

Something Beautiful

4:48 AM

it's been a long time, isn't it? i am such a mess of writer. writer? or blogger? i don't know so whatever. anyhow, i can say that life is getting better every day. let me believe in it.


so let me tell you a story about yesterday about a boy with constellation tattoos and his lover, a boy with fire magic in his veins. 


a boy with constellation tattoos. what a beautiful concept.


i am not going to tell you the full story, i just want to tell you that the story is so pure. i really thought that i read many lines of love poem. if only i could meet the author, i will hug her so tight and say thank you for hurting me beautifully. 


and i think about the story a lot;


or maybe i just want to fall in love again;


question mark.


i don't know, it's just the story affects me that much. and make me think about the past, past relationships. i remember that i was and am an egoistic one. mostly. so i am sorry. for you, if you read this. also, i pray for your happiness, you have to know that. you deserve better. and thank you for loving me so much. 


really, i really thought that i don't deserve someone to love me that bad.


to the future someone that i haven't met yet, let me tell you a promise that i am going to make you the happiest person ever.

it's a promise for a lifetime.


and for a boy with constellation tattoos and his lover, i want to believe that happy ever after is your ending. maybe your lover burns you when you touch his fingertips but water magic is in your veins so please make it rain. and be in love forever with every little thing he does and every detail of each other flaws. 


you can say that i am too much for just one story. but it was and is beautiful. what's harm about that?


to find one beautiful thing every day is something we need to be grateful.



so, until then.

have a good day.


Personal

BEAUTIFUL WORDS #1

10:36 PM



(n.) the sound of the wind through trees





First post is magic dust to start a journey, so I give you one of my favorite word and also it is a little part of myself. I wish you a nice Friday with your favorite one.



Love, G.