house without roof

she stands in the narrow hallway, her hand stroking the dusty faded maroon wallpaper. she can feel the creaking of their crooked wooden tiles under. she doesn't hate it. even though the dim lights make it harder to see where to step, she knows her house more than anyone.

she passes doors of people she loves; remembering all things they love to do, guessing what words they put on the crumpled papers. sometimes, she draws a smile on their paper, or a tree, once a zombie, and many things. she piles them up near their doors, praying, wishing.

she knocks on the door three times. someone leans, knocks it back four times.

/

she walks to a room where he stays. the room he loves the most is the room without the light. that room isn't his bedroom but, only God knows how many hours he spent on that old gray sofa. he, right now, is sleeping. he, every time she looks at him, is pretty.

"don't sleep here. go to your room. you are going to get sick."

she touches his velvety skin, it's way too pale under his black shirt. she can feel it under her fingers. it hurts her because everything feels too real for a dream she couldn't reach.

he too, can feel his hands raise up and land on the hand of someone he falls in love with. he whispers very very softly, almost fading under his breathe, "you are here."

/

she puts him in his room without any sound. she leaves the room before her pain spreads to her spine. but she knows very well, once the door shuts, he will wake up and do all things he loves to do like everyone else.

she walks, she wants to be in her room too. but today, she realizes that she cannot go without saying anything. she, once again, open his door despite her heart is beating frantically, telling her about seconds she could take to step out from questions without answers.

he is awake. he sits still in front of his computer. he doesn't look at her.

she wants him to look at her.

"should i leave?" she says.

"i want you to stay," he whispers. "don't leave."

"the wall, it's kinda noisy today."

"it's your house anyway. they are just hurting for all things i did to you."

"it's not your fault," she says.

they stay silent because it is comfortable like that; if you could find comfort without a touch, this is how it would feel.

"someday, let's meet up under the sun," he says, he lifts up his face to the black screen in front of him. "like that day when you found me with my red sweater."

she feels like her eyes are burning, the pain spreads up up up to her neck, down down down to her spine.

"sure." she says with a weak smile. "i am going back to my room."

"how long can i stay here?"

"forever." she smiles. "stay here forever."

"it is my pleasure."

he says, he smiles, too.

/

(i yearn for you. and we know it too that we are bad at deciding fates. i can't explain it rationally, here i always try to stay sane because i know that you will always stay but to be honest i,

want to be with you.)

(isn't it a tragedy because your love for me is a full discourse presented by everyone except you?)

/

she always knocks on his door three times, he knocks it back two times.

200720

(you cannot tell anyone about the title)

dear someone, 
whose name rhymes with honesty.

here, i engraved your smile like how i love to remind myself,

about the first day i saw you.

to love you, my fingers are pretty warm without you even touching them.

do you think it's fair?

they call it fate; then i guess it's fair?

beside you, while looking on my pinky finger, 

i really thought i could find the strings they have been talking about but,

someone has been whispering me day and night;

"i love you. don't find shelter without a roof."

but maybe,

i was born stupid enough to talk about feelings and love.

the heaviness of feelings inside since i met you on rainbow motions, 

soft sky blue, snow white but rosy everywhere.

or maybe,

i love you longer than that.

 

it wasn't a coincidence, catching yourself sleep while standing,

made me realize that seeing you happy every day is equal to living my life to the fullest.

now, i am sleepy while thinking what kind of face you make right now.

i want to sleep, and if you're going to take a walk then fall in love with me for a while,

do come. i can make you happy.

i guess,

i will do just right.

(you cannot tell anyone about the title), 131220

a story about patience

there is always something in her lungs,

and sometimes, they are too heavy and weary.

something in her heart too,

they feel like ghosts, they taste bitter,

and haunt her like those stories:

dark times, a castle colored in grey,

fading moonlight, and a willingness to stay.

"would it be okay if i take this heart out? days inside here are way too painful."

"days here start with the sun but, what if i told you, it could tear your heart raw?"

she thinks, maybe that was the first day of wearing our heart on our sleeve, 

only an appropriate name of hopeless wishes.

she thinks, the heart bloom in many kinds of ways.

she thinks it's weird,

because she would never choose to bloom,

while drowning.

(there is always something about loneliness when you are not supposed to feel lonely, and existence feels a little too much for something we never asked for.)

(we never crossed the lines when fate is something we swallow, from the day we cried for the first time.)

but still, she waits.

until days of winter choose to fall into slumber.

until days of spring are hers again.

a story about patience, 121220

Not a Dream

Every time I see the stars, I always make a promise to myself,
to tell you about them,
something I adore,

Like how I adore you.

It is not easy to love you like this.
But, it is better this way,
you are not going to hurt me.

Because I let you live like how you want,
I let you grow,
I will always let you do the things that make you the happiest.

When I see the stars, I ask myself with the same questions,
over and over again.

Do you see it too? You need to see it.
Take your time to see the stars.
Please, it's pretty.
Just like you.

Just like you.

But these days, every single night,
rain always comes heavy.
I can't see the stars.
I feel lost too.

Hey,
I love you.
I love you and I will always love you.

If only I could tell you.






(At least, when he sees the stars, 
I know he is a person just like me.

Not a dream.)

should i go?

Have you ever feel so sad, it is very sad to the point you can't even move your limbs. it is very sad until your ribcage feels so tight, it is hard to breathe but I am breathing somehow.

And you just stare at the empty air and feel really really sad.

It makes my head spins, something inside me is breaking but I don't know which part.

And all I want is listening to sad songs.

Am I a weird person because I can feel sad but in a second I can laugh like nothing happens? I could forget the sadness for one or two seconds or even five minutes. Then it comes back when I rest my head on my pillow.

Human is a very interesting and horrible creature at the same time. I am a human and I am interesting. But, most parts are horrible. I swear I am a horrible person.

They say if you think something, you'll become that thing.

I don't want to be horrible. At least, for some people. But, I can't shake those thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I have been trying. I swear I am trying.

I think I make people around me not happy.

Because I am sad most of the time.

But, even I am sad, I still feel happy. There is always a glimpse of light and I know I will have my happy ending someday.

Weird weird weird weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeird.

Today too, I feel sad at the end of the day. When the night comes, between 5 pm or 6 pm, my heart feel so heavy.

Ah,

It is going to be alright. It is going to be alright.

have you been well?

This is a letter to seven people that I love the most without them even knowing. But there are so many kinds of love and this is one kind of it. Based on Namjoon's ending ment on October 26th, 2019, Love Yourself: Speak Yourself The Final Concert day one. I already posted this on twitter and weverse but maybe it is worth to post this on my personal blog too since they are part of my life, the happiest moments, the bittersweet never-ending season, my seven wonders.

I thought about this feeling when I was in a car last night. It was a cold ride because both, me and the driver were in mute. But it was okay, I love it that way. I love a long night drive. Sometimes I wonder maybe someday I want to pay a night drive just to go around. Without any direction, without any last stop.

So, how are you? Have you been well?

You hated that question so much, but you said now you are truly doing well, right Namjoon? It is nice to hear it. I don't know what is going on inside your head and heart every single day, but you need to know that you are a very wonderful person from how you see the world so beautifully. I adore you so very much.

How am I doing?

I have been struggling with so many questions, heartbreak, doubt, and purposes of life. I think everything too much it kills me very softly and slowly inside. I woke up tired and cried without any reason. Life is exhausting and yes, it is so hard just to keep living even only for a day. Sometimes in those dark times, I always wonder, what if I am gone? I feel so alone and unwanted.

But I am still here. Thank God I am still here. Surviving.

In those dark times, I couldn't think anything clearly and forgot that I deserve someone and something to stay. I deserve happiness.

Life is not always about good times. I am a toxic one for some people. Someone is not always on the same page as we are. Love ends. Love begins. Some days are tiring. Some days are full of laugh. We need to be grateful, right? Because God is good. 

Do you know one reason for zillion reasons why God is good?

Because there are seven wonderful men, they are living their best to share happiness here and there.

I know those dark times will always come back at me but,

(in the future, even with all ur sad time, all the words that hurt us, all the events that happen against our will, let's do well together.)

How am I doing, you ask?

I am doing very well, seven wonders.

I'll be okay. I promise you.

a letter to _________

To the one, I love the most,

Thank you for showing up today with your bright orange-colored sky. You don't know this but you are helping me a lot. You can't imagine how much I love you. I am hoping so many things for you. Mostly for your existence, your precious existence. 

If only I can make you the happiest,

but with this distance, I only can pray for your happiness.

My darling, happiness looks really good on you.

I too. 

I love you.