a letter to _________

To the one, I love the most,

Thank you for showing up today with your bright orange-colored sky. You don't know this but you are helping me a lot. You can't imagine how much I love you. I am hoping so many things for you. Mostly for your existence, your precious existence. 

If only I can make you the happiest,

but with this distance, I only can pray for your happiness.

My darling, happiness looks really good on you.

I too. 

I love you. 

Surviving

Before I write this post, I cried my eyes out.

Actually, I do feel better. Not entirely but it was so much better than before. I felt like I wanted to throw up but I couldn't, something in the center of my chest tasted like a bitter pill, I didn't how I feel, I felt so lost.

I am not asking to be born as an overthinking person but here I am. I think a lot about something I shouldn't think, I am not the only one in this world, I know. 

But I am the only one in my own life so that's the problem.

Because I have so much free time, I drew today. Finished the draft I sketched the night before. At first, I didn't take that sketch seriously because you know, it was just a thing I did before I went to bed but the more I saw it the more I feel and questioning my life:

"What if I am not good at something I think I am good at?"

If it says so, I have nothing left.

I finished the drawing though. But, I felt so bad.

"I am lacking everything. I don't have enough creativity, I am not good enough to survive."

But, even I've been feeling like that every single day, part of me also thinking about the good side. It's weird, It's really really weird.

"It is going to be okay. You just need to practice harder."

"Push yourself to your limit,"

"Please, I am begging you. Don't give up on yourself."

"You will live happy in the end."

"Please, move yourself and be a better person."

So then I realized something: there are always those days when we feel down and so close to giving up.

like today.

I don't want to give up like what I felt and almost did in the past. I don't want to be that person anymore. So even when I cried, when the tears fell down, I said to myself so many times that it is okay to not feel okay. 

It is okay to cry and feel so small for a moment.

I have so many things in my mind right now. I have so many things I want to learn and so many things I want to achieve. I want to be good at speaking English, I want to be good at Korean, I want to start learning Spanish, I want to write beautiful stories, I want to draw well, I want to earn so much money, I want to finish my magister fast, I want to make my parents proud of me, I want to travel to Europe, I want to buy a house so my cat could run freely, I want to go to many BTS's concerts, I want to be independent, 

I want to be happy on my own.

I wrote everything that makes me relieved on the paper, I tried to move my hand.

"Move, move your hand, write it down, please write it down so you can make yourself better. You need to be better. Just write it. Don't think about the mistake, just write it down."

It works.

Now I feel better, I can think a little bit clearer. Even my eyes are swollen.

My mother always says that we have to trust Allah on everything. Don't ever suudzon with Allah's plan. And I do believe in Allah and my mother. 

Everything is not going to be okay; it is going to be hard, nothing good comes without sacrifice but in the end, everything is going to be okay.

I have Allah, my family, I have true friends, I have my cat, I have seven stars as my reasons to smile every single day.

I am going to be okay. Every person has their own time and path. I will be a very wonderful and great woman. This is a promise from me to me. 

Now, I am going to take a bath and sleep.

Until then, wonderful soul.

Good night.

Cliches

if only i could stay with you,

i would.

Don't you think it's weird for someone to be in love and not in love at the same time? If you say so, do tell me about the word and explain it to me? I am in the middle of nowhere, but I know I'm getting somewhere.

if only i could make you happy,

i promise you,

i would.

I always put my gaze on the empty air or corner, blurry vision. If I want to know about the answer, should I search for it by myself? Can I just stay here?

I don't want to get hurt anymore.

if only i could see you smile,

if only i could wipe away your tears,

if only i could see you laugh,

if only i could be those reasons.

For me, here and there, I am okay the way I am right now. To feel in love and not in love, to be alone everywhere and feel okay about it. 

Sometimes, I am scared. 

I love being in the darkness way too much. To be alone is fine. Is good. Is enough.

such a cliche, right?

but hey,

a simple thing is hard to get.

Sometimes I'm asking myself,

"Should I give my heart to many people? It's wrong, isn't it? I can't love someone like that."

I just want to make you the happiest,

and that is enough.

In the end, I just want to be myself. To love someone the way I treasure my heart. And hoping, my someone would do the same. 

Someday the day will come.

But when is someday? 

I don't know.

I love you and not love you, my love.

Tomorrow is Gonna be Better

It’s fascinating for me to see so many people in this world that are very different. 

Actually, this is my random thoughts after I saw an Instagram post from the people I knew and follow on Instagram. I don’t know, I don’t want to call her a stranger because she is no stranger even I don’t know her personally. to call her stranger is so weird since I read all her caption she shared that seemed personal for her. a stranger is not the right word.

She lives in Brisbane, Australia and loves flowers, she sings and writes a song. She has two or three cats I think? one of them is a one-eyed cat and it is so cute. she has a boyfriend who lives with her I think. And she has a lovely house. she lives near nature, her boyfriend took her to the beach, someday they swam together near the waterfall and kissed, she plays slow music by the vinyl, she plays guitar, she works as a florist, she loves to wear a ribbon on her head, and everything looks like a dream.

Her life is very near with the life I want to live in, the life I envy about. 

But with all of the dreamy life, she shared her struggle about her mental health. How she struggled from so many emotions and chronic illness. 

Yeah, life is not always dreamy and beautiful.

She told about how bad she could get hurt, how she could isolate herself from the outside world and people, how she was in pain because of her illness. 

But, in the end, she always told and remind herself that she is a warrior and brave. she has been trying so hard to understand the strange world one step at a time. 

Ah, it came into my mind, 

“There are so many people with so many troubles in their life. they are surviving.”

And also it came to my mind,

“Lucky for me I have faith from I was born. why should I give up for living? im not alone. you are too weak to give up. and you are not weak.”

Yes. I'm writing this while I'm in the middle of sadness, doubt of myself, so many family’s issues I can't fix because I am just too far away from home and losing motivation all of sudden. I feel like I'm a loser and a useless one. I cried a lot today. 

But a tiny bit of good side of me said to me,

“Please move. move yourself from the bed. you can fix this.”

So I moved, took a long time for me just to take a towel and finally took a bath in the middle of the night (i remember I haven’t taken a shower for more than 24 hours)

Maybe I'm not fully recovered from all negative thoughts in my mind, my room still a mess and I have dishes I need to wash. 

But at least, I feel a little better. And I'm happy I can feel the warmth of hope lingering and flickering small in my chest. 

And I think, to think about that we can survive and not giving up, even it’s only the smallest thing like wake up and get up from the bed while your heart heavy from everything, we need to be proud of ourselves. 

And now maybe, I'm proud of myself.

Good night. 

About Love

(i really thought, to love someone to this extent is impossible.)

i really want to talk about love, it's been a long time since the last time i share that feeling with someone else. and to be honest, maybe i forget some parts of those feelings. i don't know how to explain, because the way how i feel right now is kind of confusing.

confusing i mean, it is literally confusing. it is like, you feel all the love but at the same time, it's suffocating.

i have so much love to share, but i don't know how to. 

sometimes i feel sad. really really sad. my closest friends know it so well about the reason. is it weird? i don't know it's weird or not. all i know is, i don't want to belittle this feeling.

this is my own feeling, i want to treasure it.

because no one will respect it other than myself, yourself.

and the worst thing about "love" in my dictionary is: 

once i love someone, i don't know how to love less.

fucking hell.

"what should i do?" i've been asking myself that question so many times. 

to be honest, i don't do anything except accepting. and crying. mostly crying. there were always those days when everything got so overwhelmed and all i could do was lay on my bed. i can be so sad and in love at the same time and it made me exhausted. 

i have one heart and when i give it someone, it will always be him. it is not good, i think? because i'm letting myself to get hurt. willingly. 

envy in my veins to those people who could move on so fast. 

love in my 17th was like this:

"i want him to love me back, what if he doesn't love me back? where should i put my heart then?"

and love in my 27th is like this:

"i love him. i just want to make him the happiest ever. i want him to feel that he is loved. i want to give him unconditional love. i just want him to be happy. i want him to be happy."

ah really, i have so much love. please tell me how to love him less. 

Something Beautiful

it's been a long time, isn't it? i am such a mess of writer. writer? or blogger? i don't know so whatever. anyhow, i can say that life is getting better every day. let me believe in it.

so let me tell you a story about yesterday about a boy with constellation tattoos and his lover, a boy with fire magic in his veins. 

a boy with constellation tattoos. what a beautiful concept.

i am not going to tell you the full story, i just want to tell you that the story is so pure. i really thought that i read many lines of love poem. if only i could meet the author, i will hug her so tight and say thank you for hurting me beautifully. 

and i think about the story a lot;

or maybe i just want to fall in love again;

question mark.

i don't know, it's just the story affects me that much. and make me think about the past, past relationships. i remember that i was and am an egoistic one. mostly. so i am sorry. for you, if you read this. also, i pray for your happiness, you have to know that. you deserve better. and thank you for loving me so much. 

really, i really thought that i don't deserve someone to love me that bad.

to the future someone that i haven't met yet, let me tell you a promiseㅡ that i am going to make you the happiest person ever.

it's a promise for a lifetime.

and for a boy with constellation tattoos and his loverㅡ, i want to believe that happy ever after is your ending. maybe your lover burns you when you touch his fingertips but water magic is in your veins so please make it rain. and be in love foreverㅡ with every little thing he does and every detail of each other flaws. 

you can say that i am too much for just one story. but it wasㅡ and is beautiful. what's harm about that?

to find one beautiful thing every day is something we need to be grateful.

so, until then.

have a good day.

BEAUTIFUL WORDS #2

Nubivagant

(n.) wandering in the clouds; moving through the air

ah, I almost forget how to be genuine happy.