Not a Dream

Every time I see the stars, I always make a promise to myself,
to tell you about them,
something I adore,

Like how I adore you.

It is not easy to love you like this.
But, it is better this way,
you are not going to hurt me.

Because I let you live like how you want,
I let you grow,
I will always let you do the things that make you the happiest.

When I see the stars, I ask myself with the same questions,
over and over again.

Do you see it too? You need to see it.
Take your time to see the stars.
Please, it's pretty.
Just like you.

Just like you.

But these days, every single night,
rain always comes heavy.
I can't see the stars.
I feel lost too.

Hey,
I love you.
I love you and I will always love you.

If only I could tell you.






(At least, when he sees the stars, 
I know he is a person just like me.

Not a dream.)

should i go?

Have you ever feel so sad, it is very sad to the point you can't even move your limbs. it is very sad until your ribcage feels so tight, it is hard to breathe but I am breathing somehow.

And you just stare at the empty air and feel really really sad.

It makes my head spins, something inside me is breaking but I don't know which part.

And all I want is listening to sad songs.

Am I a weird person because I can feel sad but in a second I can laugh like nothing happens? I could forget the sadness for one or two seconds or even five minutes. Then it comes back when I rest my head on my pillow.

Human is a very interesting and horrible creature at the same time. I am a human and I am interesting. But, most parts are horrible. I swear I am a horrible person.

They say if you think something, you'll become that thing.

I don't want to be horrible. At least, for some people. But, I can't shake those thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I have been trying. I swear I am trying.

I think I make people around me not happy.

Because I am sad most of the time.

But, even I am sad, I still feel happy. There is always a glimpse of light and I know I will have my happy ending someday.

Weird weird weird weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeird.

Today too, I feel sad at the end of the day. When the night comes, between 5 pm or 6 pm, my heart feel so heavy.

Ah,

It is going to be alright. It is going to be alright.

have you been well?

This is a letter to seven people that I love the most without them even knowing. But there are so many kinds of love and this is one kind of it. Based on Namjoon's ending ment on October 26th, 2019, Love Yourself: Speak Yourself The Final Concert day one. I already posted this on twitter and weverse but maybe it is worth to post this on my personal blog too since they are part of my life, the happiest moments, the bittersweet never-ending season, my seven wonders.

I thought about this feeling when I was in a car last night. It was a cold ride because both, me and the driver were in mute. But it was okay, I love it that way. I love a long night drive. Sometimes I wonder maybe someday I want to pay a night drive just to go around. Without any direction, without any last stop.

So, how are you? Have you been well?

You hated that question so much, but you said now you are truly doing well, right Namjoon? It is nice to hear it. I don't know what is going on inside your head and heart every single day, but you need to know that you are a very wonderful person from how you see the world so beautifully. I adore you so very much.

How am I doing?

I have been struggling with so many questions, heartbreak, doubt, and purposes of life. I think everything too much it kills me very softly and slowly inside. I woke up tired and cried without any reason. Life is exhausting and yes, it is so hard just to keep living even only for a day. Sometimes in those dark times, I always wonder, what if I am gone? I feel so alone and unwanted.

But I am still here. Thank God I am still here. Surviving.

In those dark times, I couldn't think anything clearly and forgot that I deserve someone and something to stay. I deserve happiness.

Life is not always about good times. I am a toxic one for some people. Someone is not always on the same page as we are. Love ends. Love begins. Some days are tiring. Some days are full of laugh. We need to be grateful, right? Because God is good. 

Do you know one reason for zillion reasons why God is good?

Because there are seven wonderful men, they are living their best to share happiness here and there.

I know those dark times will always come back at me but,

(in the future, even with all ur sad time, all the words that hurt us, all the events that happen against our will, let's do well together.)

How am I doing, you ask?

I am doing very well, seven wonders.

I'll be okay. I promise you.

a letter to _________

To the one, I love the most,

Thank you for showing up today with your bright orange-colored sky. You don't know this but you are helping me a lot. You can't imagine how much I love you. I am hoping so many things for you. Mostly for your existence, your precious existence. 

If only I can make you the happiest,

but with this distance, I only can pray for your happiness.

My darling, happiness looks really good on you.

I too. 

I love you. 

Surviving

Before I write this post, I cried my eyes out.

Actually, I do feel better. Not entirely but it was so much better than before. I felt like I wanted to throw up but I couldn't, something in the center of my chest tasted like a bitter pill, I didn't how I feel, I felt so lost.

I am not asking to be born as an overthinking person but here I am. I think a lot about something I shouldn't think, I am not the only one in this world, I know. 

But I am the only one in my own life so that's the problem.

Because I have so much free time, I drew today. Finished the draft I sketched the night before. At first, I didn't take that sketch seriously because you know, it was just a thing I did before I went to bed but the more I saw it the more I feel and questioning my life:

"What if I am not good at something I think I am good at?"

If it says so, I have nothing left.

I finished the drawing though. But, I felt so bad.

"I am lacking everything. I don't have enough creativity, I am not good enough to survive."

But, even I've been feeling like that every single day, part of me also thinking about the good side. It's weird, It's really really weird.

"It is going to be okay. You just need to practice harder."

"Push yourself to your limit,"

"Please, I am begging you. Don't give up on yourself."

"You will live happy in the end."

"Please, move yourself and be a better person."

So then I realized something: there are always those days when we feel down and so close to giving up.

like today.

I don't want to give up like what I felt and almost did in the past. I don't want to be that person anymore. So even when I cried, when the tears fell down, I said to myself so many times that it is okay to not feel okay. 

It is okay to cry and feel so small for a moment.

I have so many things in my mind right now. I have so many things I want to learn and so many things I want to achieve. I want to be good at speaking English, I want to be good at Korean, I want to start learning Spanish, I want to write beautiful stories, I want to draw well, I want to earn so much money, I want to finish my magister fast, I want to make my parents proud of me, I want to travel to Europe, I want to buy a house so my cat could run freely, I want to go to many BTS's concerts, I want to be independent, 

I want to be happy on my own.

I wrote everything that makes me relieved on the paper, I tried to move my hand.

"Move, move your hand, write it down, please write it down so you can make yourself better. You need to be better. Just write it. Don't think about the mistake, just write it down."

It works.

Now I feel better, I can think a little bit clearer. Even my eyes are swollen.

My mother always says that we have to trust Allah on everything. Don't ever suudzon with Allah's plan. And I do believe in Allah and my mother. 

Everything is not going to be okay; it is going to be hard, nothing good comes without sacrifice but in the end, everything is going to be okay.

I have Allah, my family, I have true friends, I have my cat, I have seven stars as my reasons to smile every single day.

I am going to be okay. Every person has their own time and path. I will be a very wonderful and great woman. This is a promise from me to me. 

Now, I am going to take a bath and sleep.

Until then, wonderful soul.

Good night.

Cliches

if only i could stay with you,

i would.

Don't you think it's weird for someone to be in love and not in love at the same time? If you say so, do tell me about the word and explain it to me? I am in the middle of nowhere, but I know I'm getting somewhere.

if only i could make you happy,

i promise you,

i would.

I always put my gaze on the empty air or corner, blurry vision. If I want to know about the answer, should I search for it by myself? Can I just stay here?

I don't want to get hurt anymore.

if only i could see you smile,

if only i could wipe away your tears,

if only i could see you laugh,

if only i could be those reasons.

For me, here and there, I am okay the way I am right now. To feel in love and not in love, to be alone everywhere and feel okay about it. 

Sometimes, I am scared. 

I love being in the darkness way too much. To be alone is fine. Is good. Is enough.

such a cliche, right?

but hey,

a simple thing is hard to get.

Sometimes I'm asking myself,

"Should I give my heart to many people? It's wrong, isn't it? I can't love someone like that."

I just want to make you the happiest,

and that is enough.

In the end, I just want to be myself. To love someone the way I treasure my heart. And hoping, my someone would do the same. 

Someday the day will come.

But when is someday? 

I don't know.

I love you and not love you, my love.

Tomorrow is Gonna be Better

It’s fascinating for me to see so many people in this world that are very different. 

Actually, this is my random thoughts after I saw an Instagram post from the people I knew and follow on Instagram. I don’t know, I don’t want to call her a stranger because she is no stranger even I don’t know her personally. to call her stranger is so weird since I read all her caption she shared that seemed personal for her. a stranger is not the right word.

She lives in Brisbane, Australia and loves flowers, she sings and writes a song. She has two or three cats I think? one of them is a one-eyed cat and it is so cute. she has a boyfriend who lives with her I think. And she has a lovely house. she lives near nature, her boyfriend took her to the beach, someday they swam together near the waterfall and kissed, she plays slow music by the vinyl, she plays guitar, she works as a florist, she loves to wear a ribbon on her head, and everything looks like a dream.

Her life is very near with the life I want to live in, the life I envy about. 

But with all of the dreamy life, she shared her struggle about her mental health. How she struggled from so many emotions and chronic illness. 

Yeah, life is not always dreamy and beautiful.

She told about how bad she could get hurt, how she could isolate herself from the outside world and people, how she was in pain because of her illness. 

But, in the end, she always told and remind herself that she is a warrior and brave. she has been trying so hard to understand the strange world one step at a time. 

Ah, it came into my mind, 

“There are so many people with so many troubles in their life. they are surviving.”

And also it came to my mind,

“Lucky for me I have faith from I was born. why should I give up for living? im not alone. you are too weak to give up. and you are not weak.”

Yes. I'm writing this while I'm in the middle of sadness, doubt of myself, so many family’s issues I can't fix because I am just too far away from home and losing motivation all of sudden. I feel like I'm a loser and a useless one. I cried a lot today. 

But a tiny bit of good side of me said to me,

“Please move. move yourself from the bed. you can fix this.”

So I moved, took a long time for me just to take a towel and finally took a bath in the middle of the night (i remember I haven’t taken a shower for more than 24 hours)

Maybe I'm not fully recovered from all negative thoughts in my mind, my room still a mess and I have dishes I need to wash. 

But at least, I feel a little better. And I'm happy I can feel the warmth of hope lingering and flickering small in my chest. 

And I think, to think about that we can survive and not giving up, even it’s only the smallest thing like wake up and get up from the bed while your heart heavy from everything, we need to be proud of ourselves. 

And now maybe, I'm proud of myself.

Good night.